World of Reality

Party Political Broadcasts

2006-08-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Peters Btw maed, those balloons have "Way to go [prominent golfer] on them..." omg - sure he is the greatest sportsman - nay human being - let alone golfer, to ever EVER draw breath, but per-lease talk about blatant band wagon jumping....

Johnson yeah he's a c**ting inspiration for all of my project management activities.

Whenever I find myself in a tricky meeting situation, I look up and a little to the left and think to myself, "what would [prominent golfer do right now?" and everything is really put into perspective. I pick up my putter and hit the ball towards the hole.

Peters yeh nice allusion

Johnson no allusion. I literally pick up my putter and hit the ball towards the hole.

If you were meaning I was referencing other meeting techniques?

If not then yeah I meant that allusion and yeah it was nice

Peters yeh. How is your putter btw?

Johnson My metaphorical putter?

Peters yes and no

Johnson it's a lot of fun

Peters that is nice

Johnson thanks maed - how was your haircut? was it fun?

Peters Yes it was fun. I had to wait for a wee while and read some soft porn. But apart from that it was fun. Fun.

Johnson So you were eating lunch, reading softporn, and getting your hair shaven?

Peters Not in that order but yes

Johnson So someone was shaving your hair, and at the same time you were eating out, and softporn was involved?

Peters No I was reading the softporn but - crucially - I then stopped once someone started lowering the hair portion of my head. Then (after the hair lowering stage had completed) I left and ate my lunch. Everything happened in serial. I cannot stress that enough.

Peters your picture …girl 2nd from left

Johnson hm yeah she is compelling

Peters heheh

Johnson hard to say though - need to see her in "action"

Peters she has a nice figure too

Johnson sure but need to see her in [finger quote] action

Peters ah.... you mean "naked" - yes I agree

Johnson who is teh girl far right? she's been there a long time no?

Peters yes - Emma - been here a coupla years I think... .not bad tho a bad photo.

I've checked the work do photos, all of them, and can confirm that I am the best looking guy in this company. Now where's my action?

Johnson but...I saw the one with yourself and Neil, and sorry maed, but he was on fire

Peters ah yeh - well sure apart from Neil. I was making my claim on the assumption that by default Neil is always top dognEIL. i WAS MAKING MY CLAIM ON THE ASSUMMTION THATBY DEFAULT nEIL IS ALWAYS TOP DOG.

Johnson ok ok easy tiger

Peters accidental shouting

splash shouting

Johnson as long as you qualify your statement as the most attractive man in your company except for Neil who'll you'll never hold a candle to

Peters ok sure

I accept that

I am going to form the Uncle C**t Head Party and march around with splayed feet and overshot jaw, with my sandwich bored proclaiming "Vote UCH - or Fuck off"

UCH - one man one policy

The Man - Uncle C**t Head

The Policy - Fuck Off

Really cheap party political broadcasts:

[fade in from black]

[Unlce C**t Head sitting in a tatty old armchair in his shed]

[camera slowly zooms to his craggy, yellowing face]

"Fuck Off"

[zoom back]

[fade to black]

[smooth, hynotical male voice]:

"this has been a party policical broadcast on behalf of the Uncle C**t Head Party"

[voice from the blackness]:

"Fuck off"

Internet Security

2006-08-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

Johnson: My mother's birthday next week and my sister and I decided to buy her a computer. Ended up buying an Athlon 2k+, 256, 40gig, 17" monitor

Peters nice I'm sure she'll be able to exploit every hertz

Johnson yes. Her current computer is a p2 350 with a 14" monitor and a 28k modem. Hopefully the increase in processing power will make the internet go faster

Peters yes one would think so. Also the internet will look bugger through a 17" screen. Having said that if she's anything like Nigel she will resist moving to anything bigger than 800x600 screen res and the internet will remain the same size

Johnson Oh of course. I will recommend a "safe" resolution of 640 x 480

Peters wise

Johnson that way no viruses can attack the computer, and especially no porn, which looks better on the higher resolutions (I hear) and so the lower res will repel any attempts for porn to come down off the internet

Peters True and everything seems less complicated, and more or less what the internet was like in the 1960's

Johnson Yes exactly, when there was only Bob and Jo-Beth over in Red County, 79 miles away (his nearest neighbour)

Johnson Two people on the internet… spamming each other

Peters cup of tea?

Johnson no thanks maed, have a bottle of healthy delicious tap water

Peters ok

Johnson I’d like to create a montage of people mashing the button at pedestrian crossings. Yes. Maybe interlace that with an animation aimed at pre-schoolers explaining that all the button does is make the light appear. If the light is already there…

The Colour of Celine Dion's Love

2006-08-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

Johnson Ronan Keating: Ronan Live

Johnson "Everlasting Gloria"

Peters ah ronan

Johnson Barry White and Love Unlimited; Daniel o'Donnell - Shades of Green

Johnson Ah... Daniel o'Donnell... with the cazzzzzhmere jersey around his shoulders

Peters: "Shades of green... i just has to be something irish everytime

Peters every fucking time

"Daniel O'donnell: Fields of Eire"

"Daniel o'Donnell: Irish Moon"

"Daniel o'Donnell: IRA Nights"

Johnson "Daniel O'Donnell: Sodomising Leprechauns"

Peters "Daniel O'Donnell - Die yaie fockin englesh bastard - sings sounds of the IRA"

Johnson: First entries under "easy listening": anne murray, englebert humperdink... and "Celine dion - the colour of my love"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peters wha?! …what do you think the colour of Celine Dions love would be?

It's just a wrong sentence

Peters "Mick Hucknell: the distance of my hope"

"Chris de Burgh: the young iranian maleness of my lust"

Peters: "Richard Kleydermann: the godliness of my hair"

Johnson It’s 5pm. 99% of the company will go home in the next minute

Peters like Dave Maate who about 10 mins ago just waltzed in with a cheery "How's it going maaaate"; wasted 5 minutes of my life and then left having contrubuting nothing and taken a great deal

Johnson whereas I'm just getting ready for my second shift

Peters yeh but you rock, you da man

Johnson I'm even better than that. Don't underestimate me I repeat don't underestimate me

Peters so you're better than da man

Johnson in a sense, I'm da "men"

Peters that must make you a substantially optimal fellow,

Johnson in idle mode yes. You should see me when I ramp up

Peters What happens ?

Johnson Imagine Road Runner but with a social conscience:

Road Runner of love

That's me

Peters On the freedom highway to freedom?

Johnson free love on the freedom freeway, brought to you by the rogering road runner of rumpypumpy

Peters like a truth bullet from heaven shot from a jesus gun of goodness?

Peters ah we were on different comedy one way systems then - headed for a T junction of humour mayhem

Johnson I was going through highway of hell metaphors

eters no one wants an ill-thought through highway to hell

Johnson highways to hell are not toys

Peters Mistreatment of Highways to Hell could spell disaster, flooding and in some areas localised flu. No toys are for kids, highways to hell are for consenting adults

Peters consenting adults with attitude to burn

Johnson "no toys are for kids?" or "no, toys are for kids"

Peters and money

Peters no,

Johnson thought so

Peters I fall on the sword of your magical gramma (sic)

Personals

2006-08-16T19:39:00.000-07:00

Peters there are only 2 types of genuine personal ads

1. Lonely man is lonely needs sex - all offers welcome

2. Really Ugly woman is lonely and fussy about men - seeks friendship, doesn't like sex.
credibly funny guy seeks georgeous girl with poor english and low self esteem

Johnson: Isn't there also 3: "Stupid ugly male/female wants rich partner with stunning looks....seeks geek with lots of money who I don't have to go out with. Must have low self esteem/suffer from depression so when I go out they don't complain

Ok I have a new product: Honest Personals. You only have 3 options:

1. ugly guy wants good looking girl for sex
2. ugly woman wants rich guy. No sex
3. ugly whatever wants attractive whatever for sex, or whatever

…ok some more I guess:

4. attractive person with major mental issues willing to have sex or some other type of relationship with ugly person

Peters Horse-like man god seeks mousey librarian for intellectual stimulation and deviant sex.

Johnson I wish this office had more girls in it. it has one and she's not attractive

Peters that's not as bad as having a lot of girls none of whom are attractive

Johnson well they at least have the chance to have attractive friends. I suggest even unattractive girls are better than guys

Peters well clearly I'd rather have sex with an unattractive girl than a guy yes.

I am designing a personal ad generator in excel will send as a work in progress shortly. Looking good so far - just need a random element

My first attempt produced this:

Ugly Mother-figure - Homicidal, hard-working, Quite Nice usually, likes black clothing – seeks Mindlessly Bored Amatuer Vicar – Lazy, Artistic, Caring - For
drug-fuelled orgies and Piano lessons

Johnson Gary’s off sick today. His email to me: "Awoke early with a nasty sinus headache, so taking some stuff to try and shake it – so most likely will not be in today. If I can shake it I will check in to see if anything needs doing."

I think the word nasty is unnecessary and melodramatic.

Also, if he means he was sniffing like a wanker then sure I can understand that. if he means he has sinuses in his brain...

Peters it's fucked... nasty is melodramatic as you say, sinus is too detailed - means he feels he has to give you medical specifics to validate his illness, and by doing so invalidates it of course (QED). and 'headaches" is a ghey excuse for time off unless it's a genuine migraine. Which it isn't.. CLEARLY.

Johnson couldn't have said it better myself

Peters Dear Gary, I know how you feel. Yesterday I had a bitchy sclerotic scalp condition which knocked me for 6.

Practical Paul

2006-08-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

Johnson on the way to work this morning I tried to imagine what a day in the life of Paul D would be like. I was thinking it would start off with the sun streaming through the window at 6:30am and he'd be woken by radio rhema.

Then his wife would come in with breakfast on one of those tray things.

Steaming coffee...

Toast with jam, morning paper.

They'd talk about their day coming up…what Jan is doing with Steve…

A kiss on the cheek and then Paul is away, whilstling.

Peters newspaper under one arm

Johnson saying hello to people in his neighbourhood

Peters looking upwards from left to right at the passing houses and sunny sky.

“hello - mrs T, how're roses”? "Hello Uncle Frank," (everyone called him uncle frank, though to my knowledge he had no nephews or nieces!) "Going to Library again today?"

But Paul's world changes when he gets to work

Johnson (yes when he gets to work it's time to knuckle down)

Peters ...and he hears the approaching shuffle-shuffle of jenny's massive and tightly be-jeaned thighs

Johnson but in all reality Paul's philosophies about life work equally as well at work as they do at home: KISS

Peters aye

Johnson Everything can be broken down into manageable tasks. Just need to keep it real and not get sucked into some overly aspirational goals

Peters oh god that vaguely cute cheerful girl is emailing me again

Johnson she wants you

Peters "Good morning Peters, Hope you had a good weekend!" unquote...well to be fair made with a decent wardrobe and some make-up I wouldn't say n- sorry...I know I know - I promised. I'm sticking to it. I spit on her visage - she interests me not PAH!

Johnson sure....but maed, it's winter, and who can say when you'll be stuck in a closet together on a cold night and you'll need to keep warm somehow. Maed no-one would blame you for being practical. Not even god

Peters Sure that is true and it is good practice when in a hypothermic condition for 2 people to take all their clothes off adn get reeeeal close, ... in a sleeping bag or other container... I remember that from Frist Aid class. It's the only thing I remember. I always remember the most useful things

Johnson yup and no-one wants to be unprepared that's another lesson. It would be insulting to Su to not practice this. You don't want to leave her alone if you should die to hypothermiado you maed? That's what you're risking if you don't sleep with this girl…in a closet

Peters naked (knackered)

Johnson Sure...it's warmer the less you wear. Another lesson.

Peters Lessons of Life #46 - when in the vicinity of an attractive girl during the Winter months, remove the riosk of Hypothermia by persuading her to climb with you naked into a nearby closet or other close-proximity device

Johnson course you don't want to be considering the closet that holds the projectors. That closet is used by people on a strict schedule

Peters I think the book "You Have to Drink to Have Fun (And Other Lies)" should have helpful tips like that scatter throughout

Johnson Sure I agree

Dave Mate

2006-08-16T18:04:00.000-07:00

Haydn How do you tell someone who keeps asking to borrow your car for personal errands to "fuck the fuck off you cunt"
Nick Your company car?
Haydn yeh there is a general understanding that employees can use the company cars of GMT for business trips. Dave maate has asked me twice to use mine to pick things up for himself
Nick Jeez
Haydn I mean if he couldn't see the "fuck off" in my eyes then he's more stupid than I thought. But it was hard to just say no...and my only rationale for not letting him was "basically it just pisses me off"
Nick Fair efucking nuff. What a cocksucker
Haydn complete
Nick I mean wtf is HE to use YOUR company car
Haydn he just returned the keys said "cheers buddy" and patted me on the shoulder
Nick rofl…I think maed, when push comes to shove, you're afraid to be a bastard. I would have laughed at him.
Haydn The urge to knee him firmly in the bollocks followed by a swift upper cut to the jaw,was almost overwhelming.
Nick he didn't do the work to get the job to get the company car so he can sod off. Don't let him do it again
Haydn the knowledge that he has been in my car is like being burgled
Nick Sure. Just say "no I don't think that's really appropriate"...or say "sure can I borrow your wife?"
Haydn aw fuckn........awfffffffawfffff…knowing what you know about Dave can you imagine what his wife looks like?
Nick sorry mind shuts down whenever I try to open that door
Haydn I imagine you trying to think what his wife looks like, suffering narcolepsy and then waking up trying again, shutting down... cycling through that endlessly
Nick Nah I have a service object - that object handles the queuing of requests from my brain, which is agnostic to the actual process of retrieving and prioritising the request. When the process at the back end falls over, I get a failed message with the returned error code.
Haydn maed
Nick I read that code but don't suffer the same issue myself
Haydn you need to change jobs ... now